Tag: Weight loss

If only…

December 4, 2016 / lenbanks

Today marks the anniversary of my last marathon, the marathon that did me in. You can read about it in an earlier post. The result of this marathon has been a year of the most incredible pain and huge measure of discouragement. Not a day has gone by without some of the most intense pain. Pain in my feet mostly, but my legs as well. The doctors could not find any obvious problem with my feet. X-rays revealed nothing. But clearly there was some soft tissue damage in the foot bed, the arches, the heels, and more. Most days I could barely walk, let alone run. I would shuffle about, not having any ability to raise the heel and get into a fluid pace. Cycling was virtually impossible as well as the pressure on the pedal also caused pain. To this day the achilles pain has moments of intensity but the at least the feet seemed to have finally healed. That endured until about October.

But without exercise or movement and the heaviness of discouragement, my weight has increased. The added weight has now caused further pain, some sort of joint reaction in my elbows and arms. I can barely grip things and shaking hands gives me intense pain. I find myself caught in this vicious cycle that a lot of overweight people find themselves in. One is heavy and needs to exercise but is too heavy to do so. I know to many (most) this sounds like excuses, but it just isn’t.

When I was nearing my goal weight and doing the running, I felt a lightness and freedom in movement. It motivated me to get out and move more. But when one is heavy you feel anchored and every move is an exercise in frustration – not the type of exercise that motivates. Much of the battle is mental and emotional, particularly when pain is in the mix, but there is a physical component as well.

As a result this has been a very discouraging year. Constant pain, extreme weight gain, and loss of fitness have led me to wrestle with a lot of frustration and perhaps even a bit of depression.

As today approached I have been asking myself, “Do I regret running that last marathon?”. Of course there is no practical reason to second guess – nothing can be done about that. OF COURSE I would prefer to not have all the pain and weight gain this past year. I think not having run the race would have made the year very different. But I also completed a major goal. I learned some incredible lessons during and from the run that have been valuable. I understand empathy and the value of truthfully acknowledging one’s pain so much more. So no, I do not “regret” doing the run. I can not live by the “If only…” trap. I have to stand by my choices, whatever comes. But the choice to run, even with all the lessons learned, did have consequences. As all choices do.

Ups and downs in my weight will always be my battle. Fitness will be harder for me than most. It is the genetic cards I was dealt. The emotional and mental, and even physical, battle will face me everyday. I hope I can find my way back. I hope I receive the empathy I have learned to offer. And as depressed and depressing as this last paragraph sounds, I do have hope. I really do.

Embrace the “SUCK”

December 9, 2015 / lenbanks

Wisdom…goals…safety…accomplishment…health…pushing to limits.

These are all values in a delicate dance I just played around with. Now let’s be clear, I didn’t do anything that was truly dangerous or outrageous. But the dance was danced nonetheless.

It seems most of my posts have been around running and yet, they end up not about running at all. Well, here we go again. 😉 This year has been a difficult year for me since March when I ran the Oakland Marathon. My feet have never felt well since then and with all the training for a Marathon one craves food more. But a person with weight issues like myself has a hard time keeping the food intake in balance with the lessening of training once the run is over. So the weight has creeped back up a bit. Combine that with the foot pain, Achilles bone spurs and tendonitis, and then an additional muscle pull from a half marathon in May, and well, running has been difficult.

Fast forward to September. My muscle pull is healed; I complete another 10K and half marathon challenge; and am feeling well. I come to realize that I am one 5K and one marathon away from completing 3 of each distance in 2015. I’m not sure why, but that sounds like an impressive and cool thing to accomplish! I mean, just a few years ago I was a couch potato, a 435+lb potato. So to be able to say I did this, well, it’s just cool.

And that’s how goals get set I suppose. A dream comes out of nowhere, gets imagined and one goes for it. I never thought I would run at all, anywhere, let alone do an official event of any distance.

And that’s how goals get set I suppose. A dream comes out of nowhere, gets imagined and one goes for it.

The problem though is that my body didn’t cooperate with this self-created goal. Sure the muscle pull is well, but the heels are worse. So I attempt a marathon training plan that my body just can’t manage. The extra weight on the Achilles is not a good fit and admittedly I am struggling to get the weight back off. But I press on to accomplish the goal. I get a 5K done in October. That was easy enough. Just a marathon to go. just…

I get some long cycling distances in, do some short runs, spend time in the gym trying to keep fit, but the runs are short with more days of rest between than allowed for a good training plan. I try the Jeff Galloway method of run four minutes/walk one and that seems to be good to let me get further without killing my feet. But let’s face it; I am not in as good of shape as I was in January when I ran my first marathon.

But with goal setting comes determination and stubbornness. Isn’t that how we push ourselves? And so the dance with wisdom begins. I knew this was going to hurt and not be a good running time. I wasn’t ready, but I wanted to complete this new dream.

Race day came and actually I was feeling pretty good. My legs were fresh, my heels were in a pretty good spot and I was prepared for ways to manage the pain and allow myself some latitude in walking and going a bit slower. And actually as the race began I was doing really well.

The first 11 miles were well under the pace I needed to finish within the 6 hour limit. I even could end up with a personal best if kept it up. But then my body had different ideas. My heels had moments of pain all along, however, it was manageable and expected. But my left foot started to hurt horribly under the arch and that started to slow me down. Miles 12-17 were below pace but still ok and the average would be good enough. I was going to do this! I was walking more than I wanted and had some serious bouts of self-doubt and thoughts of quitting, but I pushed on.

I noticed a different pain than I had ever felt though on my right foot. The pad next to the ball of the foot was really tender. I could feel the sock rubbing. It had been raining at times so I thought the wet sock was causing some pain. By this time I was beginning to lose it mentally. I was hurting and I couldn’t run and now even walking was getting hard. Diane met me at mile 18.5 to give me fresh socks and shoes, but the damage had been done. A bruised pad and blister had formed. The dry socks helped, but I could not get my body to get moving and my feet were killing me. And then the real emotional battle happened. The race crew began to open up the roads behind me and I desperately tried to stay ahead of them. In my attempt to give my feet relief by walking, the slowing down caused my muscles to stiffen and so I became even slower. I just could not get my body to respond to a quicker gate. There were less and less runners around me and I began to think I was dead last. I wanted to quit, but I just couldn’t. I was well over 20 miles into this. How could I give up now? But how could I continue? I was hurting so bad. I knew it wasn’t injury hurt, it was just pushing myself to the limit hurt. And so I continued to hobble on.

Different people along the way shouted out encouragements that I soaked in to get me steps further. At mile 22 or so is when I made the final decision to just not consider quitting any longer. At the top of an overpass, one that seemed like it was miles long to get to the top, there was a volunteer who spoke truth to me in the most encouraging way. You see, up to this point people were saying things like, “You’ve got this!” or “You’re killing it!” and I was thinking, you are being kind, but I am so not killing it. I am near the back, the race is closing down and I am dying in pain. I am SO NOT DOING WELL.

But this lady was different! She asked how I was and in my saddest voice I said, “I hurt so bad, I don’t know if I can make it”. And she agreed with me! She said, “I know, it sucks, huh?” Throughout this short conversation she encouraged me to “embrace the suck”. I was going to hurt the next day whether I finished the race or not. But the pain I would feel would be far worse if I gave up at this point. So keep going!

And so I pressed on. I did finish! The race had been completely closed down and they were removing the finish line as I neared. My incredible wife advocated for me for them to stop just a bit so I could finish and she stood there at the finish line for me. They gave her the medal to place over my head as she gave me a kiss.

I did it! In 2015 I completed 3 5Ks, 3 10Ks, 3 Half Marathons, and 3 FULL Marathons. Admittedly this final medal gives me mixed emotions and will remind me of many lessons. I am “embarrassed” at the level of fitness I let myself slip to and the poor time to finish the race. In the end it was 7 hours and 46 minutes; almost a full 2 hours worse than my best time. Nobody can say that was done well. But I am not embarrassed at all really, as this is also one my proudest moments. I gutted it out. I didn’t give up. I pushed through pain and temptations and doubt and accomplished my goal.

And so here is where the post is not about running at all. A major take-a-way from this experience is that real encouragement is not in platitudes and “you can do it” type statements, but in truth that acknowledges the pain and difficulty and then moves you to a place to dig deeper any way. I in no way dismiss the well-meaning motives of anybody who cheers you on. It’s welcome and meant well. But when you know you are hurting or not doing well, to be told you are isn’t useful.

As a pastor, I deal with people on many different levels of brokenness in their life. Some are going through serious trials and facing huge odds and the spiritual high-fives aren’t useful. Empathy is to share in one’s pain, to cry with them, to understand. I can’t fix their life or make the pain go away, but I can acknowledge that it hurts or “sucks”. I can pray with them to find the strength that God provides to move through the “suck”. Sure, I feel a bit helpless. I want to fix and rescue and make everything better. But the journey through the “suck” is what is needed to get to the goal. The determination to finish has to be found in each one of us.

A Year of Accomplishments Celebrated This Weekend

September 2, 2015 / lenbanks

This weekend marks the first anniversary of the long distance run events I have done. I started running in February 2014 with a 5K, loved it and then signed up for a whole lot of crazy. I started it all with the Disneyland Half Marathon weekend by doing the Dumbo Double Dare – a 10K on Saturday followed by a half marathon on Sunday. I was so excited for completing this first major run and felt it to be a great accomplishment. I was so emotional crossing the finish line.

Well a year has passed and I have done so many races since.

4 5k’s
3 10K’s
5 Half Marathons
2 Full Marathons

I will add this 10K and half this weekend and hope to add another 5K and full before year’s end. I want to do that so that 2015 will have three of each distance. This, however, is a negotiable goal. 😉

My life is so different now and as I go into this weekend I have very mixed emotions. Sadly I am not all that excited. I think I will do fine, but the last few months have been very difficult physically and emotionally. I really jumped in too hard too fast by doing the second marathon in March. Many would say that about the Dopey Challenge, but I really felt fine after that. But the marathon really set off a whole lot of pain. Partly because I had not recovered enough from the first marathon and partly because I have not been able to afford the massages I was regularly getting leading up the Dopey. Those massages I think kept me from getting injured.

In any case, my feet just have not been the same. And then I did the Pixie Dust half marathon on Mother’s day and strained the right TFL. That has been a long recovery as well. And so now most everyday is filled with various body aches. The worst being my feet and achilles. I have bone spurs (well before the running) and they just hurt so bad.

But I hurt when I don’t run too, so I figure why not stay fit and hurt instead of being a couch potato and hurting? Right? But emotionally this has taken a toll. I have put on weight by not being diligent about food journaling and going back to old habits somewhat and that has been tough too. Not just because I am not as comfortable with my weight but it affects the running ease too.

So that is why I am going into this weekend with mixed emotions.

Now all that whining put out there. I am also going into this weekend feeling like even my lows are highs compared to where I came from. That the fact I have done all that this last year is not just crazy, but a sign of God’s power to change a life. I am not who I once was. I never will be. And even though I have struggles, I am coming at them from a new place. I am a man who sees fitness and health as important. I am a man that has learned that my strategy to cope was an utter failure and that I serve a God who has a better plan. I am a man that knows that even when I go back to old ways, I have a reference point to get me back to His better ways. Before, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now I am aware and have seen God at work.

This weekend may not be the “first” and therefore not as emotional and satisfying of an accomplishment, but it will be a marker of the great things God has done and the places He has taken me. And I will cross that line knowing that all the struggles and pain are far less than the health and victory I have experienced.

a day to remember

November 2, 2014 / lenbanks

November 2, 2012. Not a holiday in most people’s experience, but for me it is the day of my “fake heart attack”. So it’s not a holiday for me either, but certainly a watershed day in my life. Although I had already been spending a year doing heart work – emotional and spiritual, it is this day that began the physical transformation that all that heart work was leading me to. I remember being in the hospital trying not to be afraid, but with the wires connected to me, doses of nitro being administered to no effect, and being prepped for an angiogram, I was admittedly scared. Later we realized the nitro had no effect because it was not my heart that was damaged. I had/have acid reflux. Not a fun condition to be sure, but a manageable one. One whose management meant a radical shift in my diet, thus the physical transformation. When one can’t eat spice, fat, citrus, tomatoes, chocolate or even coffee, one is going to lose weight. And weight I lost. After a short while, I began to notice this and with all the heart work that had happened, it was like a light came on and weight loss just sped up. My new heart wanted a new body to go with it. I no longer needed to use weight to hide or suppress my fears and hurts. I no longer needed to use food keep from trusting God’s plan for those hurts and to manage them on my own. The first year I “moved more, ate less” and I lost about 10 lbs a month. The next November I joined a gym and the weight loss slowed, despite beginning running. But it still comes off. My general eating has returned many of the foods that acid reflux doesn’t care for, but with the weight loss the doctors said I might not need to worry so much about it. In retrospect, my fake heart attack was a gift, a wake up call from God and another step in my healing that he was taking me on!

Look at this picture! The left side is me in late October 2012. And that wasn’t even my highest weight. A few years earlier I was 40 lbs heavier. The one on the right is me yesterday on my longest run to date. I stopped for a moment to ask a random person to take a picture of me.

I still have weight to go, but that is not a concern for me so much. I am loving fitness and the new me. I still have those moments of snacking late at night, but because I run and work out so much I am able to handle it. But that explains the slower weight loss these days.

In earlier posts I have referenced a couple of songs with lyrics that mean so much to me. One is “Brand New Day” by Joshua Radin. As I was running yesterday it came up in the playlist and one of verses struck out to me.

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Yeah you make your past your past

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shining
It’s a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I’ll be ok

It reminds of what Paul says in Philippians.

Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14

It’s not that I forget the past, but I make it my past! I press on to the future and as he says in the next verses, I hold on to what I have attained! This new me IS me. The old, is a memory, one which shows the God of grace at work…MY God.

Who am I that you would find me here?
Who am I that love would draw me near?
Who am I that you would die, to save a broken soul like mine?
Who am I?
Who am I?

The maker of the heavens knows my name.
The author of the oceans gave me grace
My should my soul will ever sing your praise
Almighty God!
(Almighty God, Todd Fields. North Point Live: Here + Now)

satisfied

September 25, 2014 / lenbanks

satisˌfīd

adjective, contented; pleased: satisfied customers | she was very satisfied with the results.

As I finished my 10K and Half Marathon, I felt “satisfied.” Not proud, not elated. Satisfied. Throughout the run I felt many things – pain, exhaustion, thrill, “this is cool!”, joy. But in the end it was satisfaction that won out.

Crossing the finish line of my first half marathon

Thousands of runners surrounded me those warm mornings in August, each with their own stories and reasons for running. Some, I am sure who just love running and the events, driven by the endorphins. Some though had personal journeys of overcoming. I saw a few who wore signs on their backs explaining how earlier in life they could not walk, or they were in chemo, or… Their stories were of triumph. Still others were running for a cause, for a sick friend or family member. In memory of one perhaps. But we were all running and as we crossed the finish line I hope they each felt the satisfaction I felt. It was palpable. I have been pleased before in a job well done, but this was an over-the-top level of “satisfaction.”

Perhaps because of the depth my journey had taken me. Perhaps because I was so exhausted, I had no energy to muster anything else. No, I did, and satisfied was the right and full feeling at the moment.

Throughout the run I was amazed at the power of encouragement by total strangers. Disney had arranged for school marching bands and cheer squads to be all along the route. The Angels Stadium was seriously full of scout troops, clubs of all kinds, friends of runners, and more. Hundreds of people brought out their classic cars and lined the miles of the route. They sat by their cars ringing bells and cheering us. Occasionally some of the “strangers” would see my name on my bib and say something like, “Good job Len, keep going.” Others would see the St. Jude singlet I was wearing and thank me for running for that cause. In all this I found strength to keep going. And then near the finish line I saw my wife and friends who where there for just for me – their yells and cheers drilled deep. I became emotional as I got closer, crossing the line I raised my arms in celebration!

This gave me new context for the “great cloud of witnesses” in Hebrews!

Throughout this entire journey I have learned so much about running – this experience in particular about the right salt intake and hydration needed, how to navigate the amount of fellow runners, pacing myself, and more. I have learned about weight loss and exercise. I have more importantly learned about resolving my “issues.”

But most of all I have learned and experienced deep spiritual lessons.

Disney had great medals. It doesn’t matter how fast, finishing = winning!

The imagery throughout the Bible of running the race, finishing well, is so much more real to me. Metaphors and illustrations make so much more sense when you can relate to them. I am discovering to greater degree that God satisfies my soul. That His grace and trusting in Him is “enough.” That along the run (of life), I will pull a muscle or tire out, but the cheering crowds can bolster me to find the strength to go on and finish…well.

I can with greater confidence and contentment say, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” I am content, not wanting for anything else. Satisfied. Pride, joy, celebration, these are all great feelings when we accomplish a life well lived in God. But I have discovered the power of being satisfied, and to me that is so much more powerful and fulfilling.

Dear Father, I pray for every reader who passes over my words here to know and experience the satisfaction that only you can offer. You truly are “enough” and may we all come to experience that. Amen.

Together We Thrive!

August 19, 2014 / lenbanks

“Together We Thrive” is the new ad line for the Kaiser Permanente. It seems they are on to something very spiritual and direct from the pages of the Bible. On another, soon to be related, note, I did speedwork with the Coastside Running Club this morn. I am enjoying it as I can learn from others who are very experienced. Not just about improving pace, but form, the concepts of tempo runs, and more. And yet on another, soon to be related, note, I have joked that I have my very own wellness team, “Team Len” comprised of Mark, my chiropractor; and Trevor, my personal trainer. They have been invaluable to me for getting and feeling healthy. Shortly after the Kaiser commercial ran this morning, Diane joked that I had new members of Team Len – the running coaches of the club. My reply, “Together We Thrive!”

I have seen and learned many spiritual principles on this journey towards fitness. And one of the most important? I can’t do this on my own! From the Ultimate Leadership team, to Dr Arnold who I spent a year with, to the fellow running friends from Church, to the previous mentioned “Team Len” members; I need(ed) each and everyone of them. From the real deep work to put pieces together to the passing encouragements, it all plays a part in this idea of “thriving.”

And of course that is what God designed for us. He wants so much more than survival for us. He wants us to live, to love, to serve, to thrive! And the key to all of that is together – the one-anothers! By nature I am not the most social person. I love people, but I am a bit shy or awkward in new situations and I am not the best follow-through friend. I have been described by some as aloof, and I think there is some truth to that at times or situations. And so this lesson of interdependence is so valuable to me. I have grown to cherish the role and interaction with others. I look forward to growing friendships through all of this in the future. It’s not just an ad campaign, it’s truth – Together We Thrive!

To thriving!

Running on Grace

August 12, 2014 / lenbanks

This morning I left the house feeling GREAT! I had just done an hour of speed work interval training for the first time with a local running club and I am wearing new jeans in a size that I haven’t worn since probably I was 25. I was walking out the path just filled with self-satisfaction that quickly moved to a gratefulness toward God. And not a false-humility, oops-I-feel-guilty-for-taking-any-credit, kind of gratefulness. I think there is a place that God allows for us to feel a joy for our part of the relationship we have with Him. But that said, I am quite mindful of just how insignificant my role is in all the changes I have gone through in the last few years.

Now that the “number”, the amount of weight I have lost, is public (currently now at nearly 210lbs), I am getting all sorts of positive comments from people. I have been getting the ‘you look good’, and ‘how are you doing it?’ sort of statements, to which I appreciate. I am human, and compliments and acknowledgement does feel good. But it has now ramped up to a level of how inspiring I am and how I have motivated people to make changes and that I represent hope. And of course I know these are nothing but well intended and I accept them as nothing but pure compliments. But I still get a bit uncomfortable with them nonetheless as the changes REALLY are not about me.

Yes, I have had to follow-through with good behavior and choices on eating and exercise. But if you have heard or read my story you know that before there was any weight loss, there was a year or more of counseling and prayer and “dot-connecting” as to why I had developed reactionary and self-sabotaging habits. God had clearly begun a deep work of heart and I have come to realize just how much I failed to trust God’s plan to deal with stress and pain and chose my plan to self-soothe with food.

And that is ALL God! I am so immensely grateful that He loves me enough to continue to reveal in me just how much I need to continue to grow and trust. The work of “forming Christ in me” is a long and beautiful process. It isn’t easy and frankly is so difficult to discern when you are trusting in Him vs self. I really was shocked when I had those numerous AHA-moments that wasn’t really fully trusting Him. But once I saw it, I knew nothing but good was coming. Such a huge weight lifted, that was greater than any amount of fat on my body.

This new stage and passion of running may not last (although I hope it does), but what will last is the ever-growing reliance on Him. When I run, it is on a “path” of grace. “Eat less, move more” is the simple lifestyle change strategy I share, but the REAL change is found in trusting God’s plan and not your own.

Again, I don’t mind the compliments (keep ’em coming), I know they come from nothing but a great place of love and encouragement. But please know there is a BIG God behind what has happened in my life. And I would love for you to join me on that run!

Thanks Runner’s World

June 16, 2014 / lenbanks

Welcome to all of you who found your way here from the motivational bio profile that Runner’s World posted of me on their site at RunnersWorld.com

I HATE having to talk about actual scale numbers so having this posted was really difficult. But it’s not like I was ever fooling anyone that I was significantly overweight, right? So here we are. I hope my story will inspire and help people, not just to lose weight or to find fitness, but to find that trusting God’s plan over your own is the best. That really is the whole point of my story these past few years.

Weight loss and fitness are wonderful byproducts of the bigger journey I have been on. I still struggle each and everyday to not get in my own way and gut it out with will power and obsession. It never has worked and never will. Yielding to God’s plan does. Now, that’s not some cop out and letting go of responsibility. I have worked hard, I have changed my eating and exercise habits. I am running or going to the gym or getting on my bike nearly everyday! But I had to find internal peace and healing first. All previous attempts failed because I short-circuited that step.

Do I have everything figured out – NO! That’s what we in the church call sanctification. I am in process. Participating with God each day to grow more like Him and let go of self-direction.

I hope you are inspired to join me on such a life!

RetroFit Ministries Shares My Story

March 13, 2014 / lenbanks

A college buddy of mine and more recently a participant on NBC’s Biggest Loser, Ken Andrews, has posted an interview of me and my weight-loss journey.

Ken and I traveled together in a music group for our college back in the day. He played trumpet and I sang. We would sit on the bus together and play Rook. I later to came to realize (through his blog and post-Biggest Loser conversations) that he was struggling with so many issues of pain that were leading to his weight gain. Many of which I identified and was struggling with at the time as well. It’s so sad how we mask our fears and pain and find ways to manage it that fall desperately short of God’s best plan for us. If we had both just opened up to each other and others and experienced the grace we needed then, imagine how different things could have been.

But life is a journey, sanctification is a process, and better to find healing later in life than not at all. Ken and I have both been doing that! He now is an advocate for healthy living and faith and has started RetroFit Ministries with his son and fellow teammate on Biggest Loser, Austin. Check out their blog and ministry!

UPDATE: I continue to lose weight and have now lost even more than the interview states. I hate giving out actual numbers as it is really is embarrassing, but I felt it necessary to do so for his interview.

Lessons I Learned In 2013

December 22, 2013 / lenbanks

2013 has been a profound year for me. Losing significant weight and discovering the why’s behind it, selling our home and seeing God arrange things powerfully through it, and moving our church into a newly purchased building. These events and more taught me many lessons. I hope I can remember them all to post here.

1. I have much more in me than I give myself credit for.
2. I think too highly of myself.
3. There are far more incredible people giving of themselves far more freely than I ever have realized.
4. My wife is more wonderful and amazing to me than ever.
5. God actually is trustworthy.

That’s the summary list but there is so much more to it. I have been challenged and stretched and so changed this year.

In regards to my weight I keep getting asked what have I been doing. What diet or program? And there just isn’t anything special about it – “move more/eat less” is the basic thing. But the deep work was done in the heart and head. God has shown me areas where I really didn’t let Him heal me of hurts from childhood. Areas where I put my plan in place to cope with the hurt instead of trusting His plan. When I began to peel those layers away is when the weight really began to drop. I still have and always will struggle with weight. I like to snack on high-fat foods and have a metabolism that doesn’t burn it fast. But I am well on my way to keeping it off this time around.

Along the way I dreamed and learned about risk taking and came to realize that I have a lot to offer. I desire to make a difference for the Kingdom and want to see God do huge things. I saw areas in which I sabotaged myself instead of stepping up in confidence using the gifts God has given me. I also believe I have untapped gifts and dreams that I want to see developed.

But those dreams also set the sinful part of me going off to overreaching places thinking more highly of myself than I ought. I continue to realize that it isn’t God who needs me, but me who needs God. His kingdom will go on without me and my efforts. I am humbled by the reality that He desires to use me and that I get to go on this ride with Him, but I need to make sure I keep that in perspective.

God’s GRACE and TRUSTWORTHINESS have been huge themes the past few years. This year mostly trustworthiness as grace was really hit on last year for me. But I have seen the grace of God strongly in people this year. Acts of undeserved kindness shown to me personally and major sacrifices made on behalf of our church in getting into our new building. It has been beautiful to watch. I am so undeserving of people’s service to me, and yet that has been one way in which I saw God’s plans for me being far better than to rely on myself – to control and avoid real trust.

This has been a fun year with my wife. 27 years of marriage to this wonderful woman and I love her more than ever. As I stripped away the layers of brokenness and did the heart work that God intended, there was more room in my heart for her. I gave over to her areas that I had been protecting. To be honest we bicker a bit more, but I think it’s because we care more to be understood and real with each other. Walking through the home sale and my weight loss and the health scare and the church move I have seen at the same time both a strong and fragile woman emerge to really co-direct our steps. Her openess to reframe our lives has been exciting and her belief in me is inspiring. I am sure she believes in me more than I do (which I know frustrates her too). All of this has led to a much deeper love for her.

I meant to say it just as I did. God is actually trustworthy. I know biblically He is. I even know personally He is. But somehow this year He has taken me to greater levels of experience of this. It’s one thing to say He is trustworthy, but to experience is quite another. I have had to really confront my control and hanging on to my “baggage”. I have never doubted His trustworthiness, I just came to realize that I also never gave whole areas over to Him to actually trust Him with. And here I thought I had. A mind-blowing year. This of course has left me wondering what other areas I am still holding on to. But I still have the rest of my life to figure that out and grow in Him.

To 2014!