LenBanks

a continuing story of trust, grace and community

Category: Random

Sometimes I just have random thoughts, interests and generally quirky things I want to pass on to you

If only…

Today marks the anniversary of my last marathon, the marathon that did me in.  You can read about it in an earlier post.  The result of this marathon has been a year of the most incredible pain and huge measure of discouragement.  Not a day has gone by without some of the most intense pain.  Pain in my feet mostly, but my legs as well.  The doctors could not find any obvious problem with my feet.  X-rays revealed nothing.  But clearly there was some soft tissue damage in the foot bed, the arches, the heels, and more.  Most days I could barely walk, let alone run.  I would shuffle about, not having any ability to raise the heel and get into a fluid pace.  Cycling was virtually impossible as well as the pressure on the pedal also caused pain.   To this day the achilles pain has moments of intensity but the at least the feet seemed to have finally healed.  That endured until about October.

But without exercise or movement and the heaviness of discouragement, my weight has increased.  The added weight has now caused further pain, some sort of joint reaction in my elbows and arms.  I can barely grip things and shaking hands gives me intense pain.  I find myself caught in this vicious cycle that a lot of overweight people find themselves in.  One is heavy and needs to exercise but is too heavy to do so.  I know to many (most) this sounds like excuses, but it just isn’t.

When I was nearing my goal weight and doing the running, I felt a lightness and freedom in movement.  It motivated me to get out and move more.  But when one is heavy you feel anchored and every move is an exercise in frustration – not the type of exercise that motivates.  Much of the battle is mental and emotional, particularly when pain is in the mix, but there is a physical component as well.

As a result this has been a very discouraging year.  Constant pain, extreme weight gain, and loss of fitness have led me to wrestle with a lot of frustration and perhaps even a bit of depression.

As today approached I have been asking myself, “Do I regret running that last marathon?”.  Of course there is no practical reason to second guess – nothing can be done about that.  OF COURSE I would prefer to not have all the pain and weight gain this past year.  I think not having run the race would have made the year very different.  But I also completed a major goal.  I learned some incredible lessons during and from the run that have been valuable.  I understand empathy and the value of truthfully acknowledging one’s pain so much more.  So no, I do not “regret” doing the run.  I can not live by the “If only…” trap.  I have to stand by my choices, whatever comes.  But the choice to run, even with all the lessons learned, did have consequences.  As all choices do.

Ups and downs in my weight will always be my battle.  Fitness will be harder for me than most.  It is the genetic cards I was dealt.  The emotional and mental, and even physical, battle will face me everyday.  I hope I can find my way back.  I hope I receive the empathy I have learned to offer.  And as depressed and depressing as this last paragraph sounds, I do have hope.  I really do.

It’s About to Begin

Months ago I signed on for the challenge I never dreamed possible. The runDisney “Dopey Challenge” seemed crazy, but I was in. I began training, looked ahead in a bit of fear and nervousness. But gave it my all. Along the way I ran a bunch of other runs, grew in my confidence, and developed some great friends. And now the time is about to begin.

It’s nearly 2am and I can’t sleep. Filled with anticipation of the plane trip in just a few hours. I’m frustrated that I don’t feel well – battling the crud (a chest cold), knowing I NEED sleep to get better. I have worked through foot pain, muscle aches, long miles, multiple pair of shoes and more. And the last days, I get sick. I’m pretty sure I will recover well enough, but it still is a bit annoying and frustrating to say the least.

In any case, I am committed to savor every moment. I don’t want to miss out on the joy of making it to my goal – the event – and completing my goal of all the runs. Especially my first marathon.

So many people have been a significant part of my getting here. While I have to run this alone, I didn’t get here alone. Thank you to all of you who encouraged, prayed, trained, ran with me, taught me, adjusted me (chiropractor), and frankly listened to my going on about it. I tired of hearing myself talk about it so much, but it has been such an exciting adventure. One I never dreamed of, let alone thought would ever be possible.

I’ll keep you posted, pics and all.

Open House Blues

I’m sitting at Starbucks writing this. Normally that would be a great thing, but in this case it’s because we have to be out of our house while strangers traipse around looking in our closets and cabinets. The good news is that a potential buyer is returning for a third viewing today. I sure hope this is the one. I really would like to move on from this stage of things. I thought we were pretty neat people normally. But keeping your home buyer ready is wearing on me. Particularly since this is a very busy time with day camps going at church. Prayers of encouragement and quick sale appreciated!

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